timeout – to look back, analyze & plan

By | April 18, 2008

I’m really frustrated this morning. Had a talk with mom, she was telling me about this guy who used to be her class mate when she was in school. She met him after a gap of almost 30 yrs and now he is a MD of a big construction company. She told me about his two sons, the elder one, who is around my age (may be a bit younger), has started a software company recently. She got to know that his company has been doing real good and the avg turnover is around 12 crores per annum. The younger one is a CA and is earning good as well. And she continued with a lot of other things about how they have lived and how much they have gained and stuff like that. I got real pissed off as knew that this whole conversation was directed towards me and my achievements in life, which are almost nil.

No, don’t get me wrong, I’m neither pessimistic nor do I compare myself with anyone else, but she has a point here. I don’t completely agree with her point of view (when she compares me to my friends, relatives and everyone else earning bigtime), but I have to agree that I could have done much better than what I am today.

Off late I have been trying to analyze, what have I done wrong and what I could have improved on. I have got a few answers to those questions, but the point is, that nothing can be done about the past, what I have is only my future which I can take control of..

but again.. I cant really figure out, if what I am doing at this point is right or not.. some learned souls have always instructed, follow your heart, do what you love doing the most, find your purpose and make that as your fulltime job.

This is what my point of frustration is, I am working as a software engineer, a web developer and earning a decent income, which according to a few, would be a good salary for an employee in a small company like mine. But, I am not happy, I feel as if I’m being wasted here.. I really feel that I can perform better and can produce more value to through the skills I have.

Ironically, I am not even sure of the ways I can do this value add.. or what can I do different to feel better.A good starting point can be identifying what do I dislike in my current job. Okay, I have thought about this a lot of times.. and I think I have a definite answer to this one ( at least.. sigh!) .. So here we go.. I am supposed to be a software developer but I am not writing code as my primary job, I should be working under a senior developer and learning under him/her.. I’m working as a team lead guiding people instead ( its not that I hate doing it.. but I think, its not the right time to do this .. yet).. I am supposed to gather as much experience with development as I can at this stage so that when I switch over to the next job or the next level, I have complete hands on experience with all sort of challenges so that the quality is maintained with project delivered within the schedule.. but I am actually struggling to meet the deadlines. Due to lack of experience and expertise.. we have to go back and forth, coding and re-coding a lot of times, as we get to realize the flaw in our approach only at a later stage in the code.

So in a nutshell, I am doing a job which I should have been doing probably after 2 yrs from now.. and now, I’m not even sure if I would be able to do that.

Now lets talk about money. Yes, the sal that I get right now, is actually more than anyone else in the organization with the similar level of experience (I’m not saying ‘expertise’). I should actually be happy with the kind of growth I have got in terms of money during my short stint. It increased to almost 3 times in a span of 18 months. But now, if you move out in the market and analyze what my possibilities were, with the field I am in, this amount is still low.

Okay, its starting to make some sense now. I think, I might be happy working for a big company .. with a better pay package and most importantly.. where I would get to code.. rather than (just)manage..

So was that it..? It sounds so cliched, every other software developer aspires the same. What was the purpose of so much soul searching… ? hmm.. let me think..

I think, it is still not the kind of thing I would like to do for the rest of my life.. plus this wouldn’t make me a millionaire anytime soon ( that’s another thing I dint mention earlier.. but is one of my ultimate goals .. I know cliched again.. ).

I think, I really what i want is to start off working on my own (and probably make it big).. probably staring off my own company would be fulfilling (and its not because the son of my mom’s old friend did the same.. I had this thing on and off in my mind for a long time, as well ), but that’s another series of thoughts altogether..

So, I really need to identify what I like doing (back to square one).. and I have to find it real soon.. I have already wasted a lot of time in life.. ( another negative thought.. naah .. not again.. okay! just stop.)


1 Comment

vimoh on May 20, 2008 at 12:47 am.

I wrote a story some time ago that you might find of interest: http://www.mypajama.com/blog/posts/day-of-dog/

Keep the negative thoughts at bay. And look inside yourself. Look for good things and you will find them.

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